Pedestrian

No matter how high up in the food chain you may be … there is always somebody higher. Not just anybody, but somebody whose authority you must accept, acknowledge and trust.

It all starts as a tiny fetus whose only life-support is the womb – more specifically, the individual that the curios womb belongs to.

Then, as infants and toddlers, our guardians are our sole protectors, keepers and trustees.

As we grow older, the “guys on top” may change greatly. Sometimes, we may not know that they are even there.

And yet, they are; for certain.

They may be elders, bosses, corporate leaders, politicians, governments, clergyman, … doctors even.

To any one of these individuals you trust the entirety – or at least a part of – your life, your body, your finances or your heart.

And when can you ever know for certain what it is they are doing? Whether they are indeed walking towards the right direction? Whether your trust is being nurtured or manipulated?

The truth is that unless this misuse goes wild and savage, a lot of the time, there really isn’t a way of knowing at all. Your trust can be misused thousands of ways without you ever really knowing.

William Carlos Williams depicts that beautifully in The Use of Force. A local doctor is called to treat a beautiful little girl from an impoverished, uninformed family. While the parents quietly sit down and obey him, he enjoys a cat and mouse game with the little girl and moves to intentionally hurt her because her stubbornness intimidates him.

Perhaps I should have desisted and come back in an hour or more. No doubt it would have been better. But I have seen at least two children lying dead in bed of neglect in such cases, and feeling that I must get a diagnosis now or never. I went at it again. But the worst of it was that I too had got beyond reason. I could have torn the child apart in my own fury and enjoyed it. It was a pleasure to attack her. My face was burning with it.

The children’s parents witness her strugglers, her pain – and even her blood – but they are too intimidated by him to say anything.  

I was reminded of that story the other day at the ophthalmologist. We have been going to this guy for over 20 years now. He’s not just our doctor, but a friend. He’s one of Tehran’s finest and we have never seen short of that through out all these years.

I went into his office that day and like always was greeted with a jolly cheer. I had gone for a “complete checkup”.

Everything started o.k.

Then, he wanted to see inside my eyes with some of some of his gadgets (sorry, I’m completely ignorant of the names).

He’d done that a dozen times before, and you certainly need to get close to the patient to see inside their eyes. But for a second there, I thought it was taking too long, and that he was too close.

I’m a big girl. I have no trouble raising my voice when I have to or leaving a place if it feels uncomfortable. But come on, this was Dr. M. And what the heck would I leave him for?

Then I got on the bed for him to (sorry if I’m using an incorrect term) take my “eye pressure”.

That too I’d done before. But as he came my way, he put his hand on my stomach, patted my belly and said: “oh, you’ve been eating too much fatty foods … Sorry, no, my mistake. It’s just that this monto is thicker than usual. Your stomach seemed bigger for a second.”

!!!!

That’s when I got up.

We talked a while more about a problem I’d been having and it was time to leave.

We always shake hands; usually he even hugs me and my grandpa. I certainly wasn’t looking for a hug this time.

But he raised his hands, and I guess out of stupidity and also old friendship, I shook them. He came for the hug. I was ok for a second until I felt that he was actually rubbing my back.

I didn’t wait another moment (about time!), pulled myself away and ran out of there.

I certainly won’t be going to him again.

Maybe I was too naïve, but somehow, after going to an incredibly kind doctor your entire life you have a hard time believing that he’s become a horny, needy nutcase. You’ve heard the Persian proverb haven’t you? “Bibi az rooyeh ta-arof, jendeh shod” (the lady became a whore out of being too polite).

Many times we find ourselves unable, unwilling, embarrassed or even uninformed about what is really going on. We live our daily life somehow or other being misused by a higher authority. And the saddest part is when we don’t even know we are being taken advantage of.

And yet, we always will be. No matter where you stand, somebody stands higher, with a higher grasp and stronger fists. Those who are not too taller than us may be easier to spot. But the higher they go the more impossible it becomes to figure out if you are really being screwed.

Perhaps it would help us go to sleep at night if we didn’t notice at all.